Oh, I realise what I say about this week was great, probably was valid till yesterday only.

The feeling, really please spare me from it again.

I cannot don't study before a test. I can't. I just happily flopped integration class test, without completing a single question. Totally almost burst out water tap. Told you, 'I like Maths' is cursed. I can never say I like Math, becoz, just becoz somebody out there thinks that if I like maths, then I won't do well. Year 2 was like that, 2 years later, it's still the same. Nothing changes, so what's change is constant all about?

Disappointed. I think I spent the wrong time at the wrong things. But I really lost the feeling of recognizing what's right and what's wrong. I mean, not exactly wrong, but just inappropriate. I didn't study yesterday, after I reached home. I did last minute stuffs, and so the result is screwed up as well. Cannot stand this.

--

Seriously, for a moment of time, I thought about a lot things regarding myself. It really makes me feel super bad, and upset. I realise, I couldn't find somebody. As in, not even one. (maybe there is out there, but @ the wrong place @ the wrong time) Ah. I thought about what really make me feel so sian. I thought about why the heck do I care so much. I thought about what the hell I am to anyone of you. I thought of giving up. Or rather, I AM giving up. it's definitely not the first time that I get this kind of feeling. seriously, if no one cares, why should I, no? why bother when nobody is going to appreciate? why.

I think I am wrong. in every single way. I can't even find the right thing. So much for optimism. So much for everything. From today onwards, I promise I will not interfere any thing, I'm out from these. Unless when I'm asked, I'd probably reconsider. Keep your promise, do you understand? It affects a lot, do you know? It matters, do you realise? (nah, nobody does)

I'm being grumpy and pessimistic and sian. Just ignore this part of me. I'm usually not like that.

Whatever. I give up.

Home is still the best place, after all. I hate people, I hate school, I hate everything I know and see.

Don't feel guilty, coz it's too late. Nothing changes, the fact stays as I went through the feeling over and over again. As much as I try to think of the happy stuffs, some things (you know) just can't be forgotten. over. took me so long to overcome.

P.S, thank you jnrs for playing w me. :D

pretty glad for myself. off. Once again, I want to question: what is school to me.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's with the number of tests next week. what's with week 2. what's with the cancellation of youth day celebration then have normal lessons. what's with H1N1. what's with everything. what's with lessons all the time to replace cancelled activites. everything seems so perfect on the outside. c'mon when you really enter this place, you realise nothing is really perfect. appearance is deceiving, heard of it. I never hated this that much, i think it's all accumulated. a.c.c.u.m.u.l.a.t.e.d.

Zhiwei said I looked stressed today. It's really not what I want. It's not very much like self-inflicted. Neither is it peer pressure. or rather, it does still play a part but not all. I guess, you probably know what contributes to it. always getting reminded of tests, tests, tests, grades, grades, percentage, percentage, senior high, senior high, your life, your life, your freaking life.. what the heck. My mum always say cannot stress myself, and i really tried. Honestly, my parents don't give me pressure. But they think I give myself a lot pressure. That's not the case, please. -.- always assuming long weekends are best for homework and revisions, don't we need some rest too? always. we're forever free. (:|) looking at the amount of workload, I really feel damn sian and can't help to agree with what liwen says about 'completing all the work doesn't mean it's gonna do good for our lives' something like that. Also, can't help to 'look up' to this particular person in my class who does no homework. though with all the blahblah from people, it's like hey, nothing is that bad.

I better get going. ultra long. ultra truthful. please do not come talk to me about this post coz it's actually not meant to be mentioned beyond the virtual world. i will get better tmr, or even tonight. do not come to talk to me, i'm really fine, just that when a lot things are kept inside, it really felt like bursting.

I AM FINE. go on w your life.